AROUND HER FINGER: June 2010

This exists for those that are interested in exploring a relationship where the husband willingly and happily submits to the loving female authority of his wife. This addresses the confusion and uncertainty that accompanies the growing awareness among many men that they would be happier in a female led household. The site has two primary missions:
A resource for women who have been approached by their husbands with the concept of a female led household.
A resource for men that would very much like to approach their wives with their desire to submit but are concerned about the reaction that their suggestion might receive.

Questions from Women
Questions from Men
Questions from Both Spouses
Questions from Women
Q: If I don't like this, can things go back to normal again? A: Absolutely. There is no reason that just because these ideas are intended to be permanent in nature that they cannot be dismissed altogether if you find that the relationship dynamic is not right for you. Every relationship evolves and changes over time. What might be right for you today may not be right for you in two years. However, if you come to this conclusion after a very short time period, we encourage you to give it a few more months. Finding your comfort zone with your new authority may not happen overnight. Your new role in the household may take some initial adjustment, but once you settle into it, you may find that it will be difficult to walk away from all that it has to offer.
Q: Will I continue to respect my husband when he so readily gives in to everything that I ask of him? Isn't having a backbone kind of sexy?A: Your husband will not be retiring his spine, his masculinity or his sex appeal if the two of you decide to go down this path together. In every other relationship in his life he can continue with whatever personality has suited him well in the past. If you choose to assert your authority and modify his behavior around others, you may do so, but that is entirely up to you. If he is a "Type A" personality at work, he can continue to be so. If he comes on strong with his friends, neighbors, sisters, brothers, parents, etc. he can continue with that demeanor as well. Even in his relationship with you, you should continue to expect that he would voice his opinion. The only difference is that he will respect the fact that your decision is the final say in the matter. You can decide for yourself to what extent his opinions impact your own decisions. In the end, however, having a single, final authority in the marriage is a practical alternative to the debates and arguments too often associated with shared decision making.
Q: Can I pick and choose the elements of this dynamic that I like and ignore those about which I am still uncertain?A: You can really do anything you like. The question is whether or not excluding key techniques will yield the desired results. Of course you are welcome to experiment, but I recommend that you make a very clear statement that you are in charge and remind him of this reality often.
Q: Sometimes I prefer the sex when he's a little more aggressive. Can I have my cake and eat it too? Can I be in control of him, yet still feel like he is sometimes taking control of me in the bedroom?A: Yes, but not all the time and probably not right away. At first, you really want to get him used to the fact that you are very much in control of the sexual dimension in your relationship. After he has become accustomed to this fact, you may certainly indulge yourself by rewarding him with an opportunity to ravage you (so to speak). Just make certain that it does not become the only way in which you engage in intimacy, and that it only occurs as a result of your explicit desire to do so. It is also a very good idea to demand a massage, a hot cup of herbal tea or anything else that might please you immediately afterwards. This brings him back to the reality that you are still very much in control.
Q: How do I know when I have taken this too far?A: Do not assume that he will not let you know that he is uncomfortable with the way the relationship is developing. Assume that he will embrace this with eager enthusiasm. If he does not, he will let you know right away. You should, in fact, tell him in no uncertain terms that you expect his open and honest feedback regarding the relationship.
Questions from Men
Q: It seemed to me that I really loved this at first, but now it seems like it doesn't have the same sizzle as it did when we first started. What happened?A: If the relationship begins to lose its appeal to the husband, it is almost always because the wife has begun to take her authority in the relationship for granted. While the wife is definitely in charge of the household, she needs to remain active in keeping her husband motivated and excited about this arrangement. She does this via the overt exercise of her authority, strategic orgasm denial, and aggressively flirting and teasing you during the course of the week. If she has become accustomed to you doing her laundry without having to be asked, she might consider telling you that she expects it done by such and such time. She can then evaluate the job that you have done and perhaps choose to reward you for a good job or deny you some pleasure because her clothes were not properly folded or ironed. She can then bring up the fact that she denied you at some point during the next day in some sort of teasing and flirtatious manner. She just needs to remember that this is not something that wives begin and then simply put on autopilot. Frequent reminders of her authority are a necessary component of keeping you wrapped happily around her finger.
Q: How can I take this to the next level?A: Every individual couple will have to strike a balance between how much control the wife asserts and how practical it is to weave that authority into the day in and day out realities of the relationship. There will certainly be both wives and husbands who cannot get enough of this new dynamic. I think, however, that this site offers a practical beginning and a practical end for most marriages. Couples wanting more will have to explore on their own ways in which they can build upon the techniques that I have already described.
Questions from Both Spouses
Q: What are the implications of this book on the way that we manage money in our household? A: In any relationship, as in the world at large, money is a source of power. Ideally, the household finances should be consolidated and managed by the woman. The husband should operate under a budget that she approves, and he can appeal to his wife for exceptions to that budget. If, as a practical matter, the wife feels that she wants to defer the administrative component of managing the money (e.g. balancing a checkbook) then she can delegate this task as she would any other. If she decides to delegate this task, however, it is important that she get regular and frequent updates on the status of income and expenses in the home.
Q: We have some friends that we believe could benefit enormously from the ideas discussed on this site. How can we introduce them to these ideas without revealing the personal decisions that we have made in our own marriage?A: This is a very personal matter, and these details are best kept between the wife and husband. There will always be a certain tension in the air if two couples get together and either one know just a little bit too much about the detailed personal life of the other. If you really want to share these ideas with another couple, send one or both of them the book in the mail with an anonymous note. Just make sure that you are sufficiently discreet so that they will have no idea who it was that sent them their little gift.
Q: How can we be certain that our children will not be influenced by the new arrangement?A: This is a very important question. All that the children should notice is that the father treats the mother with respect and vice versa. Any sort of overt exercise of the wife's authority over her husband should be transparent to everyone but the husband himself. When the children are not around, it is fine for the wife to tell her husband that she expects something to be done, and even allude to the consequences that he can expect if it does not get done. However, when the children are present, she should phrase her demands in the form of a polite request. Ultimately, the fact that this new relationship dynamic will reduce tension and arguments in the household will result in a net positive environment for raising the children. However, there is not a reason in the world that the children should ever have to understand the underlying principles that have resulted in the more relaxed environment in the home.
for women:-

The vast majority of women that come to this site do so after their husbands have approached them regarding their interest in a pursuing a relationship where she is in charge. If you are one of these women, you need to first consider that his desire to submit to you is not unusual. The male fantasy of submitting to a dominant woman is the most common fantasy shared by men. A Google search for keywords related to this topic yields millions of hits. There are thousands upon thousands of both commercial and non-commercial sites dedicated to this topic. While the popular image of the leather-clad dominatrix tends to monopolize much of the imagery on these sites, there are many other sites that shun this image altogether and instead focus on the less dramatic side of female authority. However, the underlying notion of men submitting to women is the common theme that ties all these sites together. It is important to realize that these sites did not create the male desire to submit to women, they are a response to that desire.

The most important point that any women should recognize is that their husband's (i.e. husband's or committed boyfriend's) desire to submit to them is ultimately an expression of his love, affection and adoration for her. It is no secret that men have trouble expressing their emotions. A man's desire to subject themselves to a woman's authority is an unconscious expression of very strong emotions that are traditionally coveted by women in relationships. Women should be careful not to discourage these expressions of their husband's feeling by rejecting his suggestions without giving them very serious consideration.
Also, consider also the vast amount of courage it takes for a man to approach his wife with this topic. Even in cases where women are open-minded to exploring a relationship of this sort, it must be conceded that the husband had no way of knowing that she would be open-minded ahead of time. Women could wrongly interpret their husband's desire as weird at best and perverted at worst. While this site will assure women that a man's feelings are neither one of these, all men at least consider that by merely raising the topic for discussion, he risks alienating his wife in the process.
Given this risk, his desire to pursue this dynamic in your relationship does not represent a casual interest on his part. To him it is very, very serious. A man that approaches his wife about his desires to play a submissive role in the relationship has probably been thinking about it for a very long time. His desire to approach his wife is driven by underlying forces in his personality that he simply cannot ignore. Many submissive men describe how they have known they were submissive for years before they ever acted upon it. They have denied and fought it all they could, but they finally accept that they would feel more complete and satisfied if the woman in their life formalized her authority over him.
Most women are completely shocked when first approached by their husbands with this topic. They typically had no idea that he harbored these fantasies. Realize, however, that one cannot tell a submissive man by merely seeing him on the street. Many of them have very outwardly dominant and strong personalities. They are successful in their careers and their social lives. However, they know that deep down they will be happiest if they can surrender to the woman that they love and trust. By approaching their wives concerning this desire, they are opening up a window to their personalities that their wives may never have recognized before, but the existence of which the husbands never doubted.
Why, you may ask, has he not been behaving like this all along? Why does he argue with you over the littlest things? Why does he complain when you remind him to do the simplest household chore? If he was submissive, wouldn't he have acting like this all along? That is a complicated answer, and it really has two parts. One part of the answer is that he has been suppressing his submission. Men are not socialized to submit to women. In confessing it to you he unburdens himself of the expectation that have been placed on him. By coming clean about his desires, he becomes free to relate to you in the way that feels right to him. The other part of that answer, however, is more critical in your learning how to nurture his submission. You need to realize that for most submissive men, it is not merely enough that they submit to a woman on their own initiative and without the knowledge of their wives. They must know that their wife acknowledges his submission, that she embraces her authority, and that she behaves accordingly. In other words, his attentiveness to your needs may be enough for you, but it is certainly not enough for him. This may be the most important piece of information on this entire website.
So Your Husband is Submissive… What Next?
Most (but certainly not all) men that desire to submit to their wives follow a similar pattern. They almost always first make up their minds that they are going to begin a campaign of stealth submission to their wives. Said another way, they are going to try to satisfy their desire to submit by behaving as if she were already in charge. They begin doing more and more of the household chores, offering massages, foot rubs, running baths for their wives, etc. Women are very often confused by this approach. They ask their husbands what is behind the change in behavior, but their husbands have not yet mustered the courage to articulate their honest feelings. Women often think that the change in behavior is driven by guilt for something that their husbands have done wrong. Of course this is mistaken, but for the wife's part, she is left puzzled and confused by the new behavior.
The problem is that men that undertake stealth submission quickly find out that it is not working for them. It is not enough for most submissive men to simply undertake to serve and pamper their wives. There must be some explicit acknowledgement on the part of the woman or else the man is left unfulfilled. At some point the husband wants his wife to come out and say that she in charge. The men want not just to do things for their wives; they want their wives to tell them what to do. They want their wives to exercise more control over them.
While most men start out pursuing stealth submission, eventually, the brave among them (probably a minority) end up stumbling into a conversation on the topic. This conversation is usually vague and fails to communicate the depth of his feelings. After all, men generally do a poor job of communicating their feelings. The net result is that he never ends up articulating his desires in a way that is satisfactory to him or his wife. The wife understands that her husband likes doing nice things for her, that he wants to give her more free time, that he is putting her pleasure ahead of his own in the bedroom, etc., but she never really understands the motivation. This lack of communication, this lack of an open and honest conversation on this topic, is a great missed opportunity for both the husband and the wife. This is not just because the husband never has the opportunity to explore a much desired dynamic in the relationship, but also because the wife never fully appreciates what is in it for her.
What is in this for the wife?
Make no mistake, there is a great deal of benefit for any woman that accepts her husband's gift of submission and embraces her authority over him in the relationship. First and foremost is the open acknowledgement that he adores his wife and wants to put her on the pedestal on which she belongs. This open acknowledgement of his genuine affection and complete adoration is reward in and of itself.
There is much more, however, than just the open gesture of affection. The wife will come to enjoy the freedom in decision making that the new relationship dynamic affords her. She will be comfortable knowing that her opinions and decisions will be respected in her household. If she wants control of the household finances, she can have that control. If she wants to be the only half of the couple allowed use of the remote control, she need only to say so.
She will also be able to unburden herself of as much of the domestic duties of the household as she deems fit. The husband will not only take on all the household chores, he will come to enjoy doing them as they represent an opportunity to serve his wife.
One area where there is a great deal of upside for the woman is in the bedroom. While this site takes care to avoid erotic subject matter, women with submissive husbands should understand that their pleasure absolutely comes first. For example, they can enjoy as much unreciprocated oral sex as they please. By no means do they have to go without intercourse. However, intercourse only comes on their terms, and only when they are assured that their own physical needs are being met.
Many women find that delaying or denying their husband's pleasure altogether (for reasonable periods… say one to two weeks at a time) can increase their submissive feelings and actually represent a phenomenal turn-on for the man. Be careful with this tactic, however, as it can backfire. It is one thing to consciously deny him as a mechanism of nurturing his submission. It is another thing to simply ignore his sexual gratification. When denying him, always let him know that you are doing it consciously. Tell him in absolute terms that you know what he wants, but you are choosing to keep him from having it. Without words to this effect, the results will be nothing but frustration on his part.
There is much to learn about this relationship dynamic, but what you have read so far is at least a reasonable introduction. If you are feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone. For any woman, the fact that their husband has been suppressing such a strong desire to surrender so completely to his wife is all very difficult to accept. In fact, accepting all of this is the hardest thing about it to most women. Once women accept it - embrace it - it all becomes a wonderful new reality for them.
How should the well prepared woman react?
I caveat this section by using the phrase "well prepared woman". This is because most women are caught completely off guard by their husband's desire to relinquish control. While women are obviously entitled to act however they choose, there are certainly some behaviors and dialogues that will allow them to more quickly and productively begin a path to a mutually satisfying relationship. Rather than speak here in generalities, it might be more productive to read from two letters that I have received related to this very topic. They recount the actual experiences of women that received their husband's confession with open minds and open arms:.

for men

Millions, probably tens of millions of men understand on some level or another that they are submissive. While these men are outwardly successful, social and very happy, they know that they have an intense desire to surrender to the authority of a woman. Without the presence of loving female authority in their lives they have a sense of emptiness that simply will not go away. Most submissive men spend great amounts of mental and emotional energy trying to deny their feelings, but few if any succeed. That is because these feelings exist on some level that is so primal that they simply cannot be ignored.
Do men even have to approach their wives?
Letter from a husband #1: A Husband Fails to Communicate
How can men approach their wives about their submissive desires? Most men reading these pages do not stumble across them accidentally. The men that find and read these pages know they are submissive. They have come to the internet in the hopes of finding help for dealing with their desires. In these pages, these men can find some comfort. They can find comfort first and foremost in knowing that they are not alone. There is a virtual community of others that share their submissive nature. More importantly, however, is comfort in the fact that there is hope. There is hope that they can be open and honest with the woman in their life about their submissive nature. In opening up, they can find the loving female authority that they desire so intensely.
What makes this site different from so many others that are available on the web is that it very consciously avoids the erotic appeal of the dominant woman. While virtually all submissive men acknowledge the sexual attraction of female authority, the exploitation of that sexual power has been done to death on the internet. This site instead aspires to be a very tangible resource for couples that want to productively deal with the male's submissive desires. In practical terms, the first step in this process is assisting submissive men in facing the one problem that haunts the overwhelming majority of them: How to approach their wives with their desire to submit.
Do men even have to approach their wives?
There is an argument to be made that a "true" submissive will disregard their own feelings and find gratification in serving the woman in their life regardless of the circumstances. In other words, these men can be content to follow along on a path of stealth submission, where they endeavor to do everything they can to please the woman regardless of her knowledge that he is submissive to her. Her desires and wishes are all that matters and there is no thought given to what he needs out of the relationship. While in theory this sounds great, in practice it is unworkable for most men.
Simply put, the vast majority of submissive men need something out of the relationship that stealth submission does not provide. They need a formal acknowledgement on the part of the woman that she is in charge and there is an expectation that he will obey her. They need this notion reinforced through task lists, through overt control of his activities, through orgasm denial, through whatever it is that works for both halves of the couple. Yes, a woman that is truly in control in her relationship could choose to do none of these things. However, if she seeks to build a stronger tie with her husband, she needs to nurture his submission and fulfill his needs in much the same way that he needs to satisfy hers.

some people thought being around their wives fingers is somethinglike being sissy or slave or submissive. but it tries to make the relations between wives and husbands more pious, lovind,caring,understanding,loyal and committed.

i am also planning to find a loving wife who can be my in-charge and submit to her with complete loyalty.hey some beauty are you listening to me.

write me submissive@breakthru.com

AROUND HER FINGER

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

a man is happiest when wrapped around the finger of his beloved wife

Friday, June 4, 2010

AROUND HER FINGER

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